Five years ago I lost all hope.I lost the one thing that I thought made me important and valuable. I lost something that I thought I could control. I became very bitter and angry. I was mad at God. I was so hurt and felt so alone and I thought that God was punishing me. I couldn't figure out what I had done to deserve this.
Most people would think that since I grew up in church I would know that God doesn't punish people, that God is a good God and He can only give good things. But that wasn't a revelation I had had yet.
I thought my life ended on June 20th, 2006. I didn't want to go on living because I didn't see the point. I decided that the best way to live from that point on was with a bottle in my hand. I wasn't 21 yet but I found a way to feed my addiction. Drinking seemed to be the only way to numb my pain. Being drunk was the only time I didn't feel anything. I could pretend that my life was all fun and that I was a happy person. I pushed almost everyone away from me and the few friends I did keep, I influenced in ways I wish I never would have.
I spent a whole year slowly killing myself. I learned that sin can be really fun, but only for a season. When the drunkenness would wear off I knew two things. 1) What I was doing was wrong and 2) this wasn't the person I wanted to be. I had lost myself. I had lost who I was and who I wanted to be. When I lost hope, I lost me.
I knew what I needed to do, I knew where I needed to turn, but I didn't know if I could. So much damage had been done. So many lines had been crossed. Had I gone too far? I wondered if I was outside of God's grace. Would God still love me? Could God still love me? I didn't love me, I didn't even like me, so why would I think that God would?
I finally decided that I would try to find God. I know that sounds lame because God wasn't lost, but I was. (Someone reading this who doesn't know me very well may think I'm being dramatic but there had been some things that had happened in my life in the years leading up to 2006 that turned me away from God and church) I started attending a church with my friend, believe me it was rough going at first. It took me awhile to open up and let God back into my life. I would sit in church and listen to the Pastor and think to myself that it's all a big joke. How could God be loving and merciful but still allow terrible things to happen? I knew deep down inside of me that God was calling me, He was pursuing me, but I had no idea why. I attended a ladies retreat with one of the youth pastors and some young women from my church and that was a huge turning point in my life. God showed up for me. He came and He spoke directly to me, something I hadn't experienced in a long time. (Because I hadn't allowed Him to)
After that ladies retreat things were different. I'm not gonna say that everything was magically better, because it wasn't. I'm not gonna say that all of a sudden life was easy, because it wasn't. But I knew from that point on that God still loved me, that He loved me the whole time. That even in my anger and rebellion that God still had a plan for me.
I have spent the last few years re-learning things about God and myself. I've learned that God is good and the He's in a good mood. I've learned that God loves to laugh, He's not all business. I learned that God doesn't cause disease, sickness, or illness because He doesn't have those things. How can you give away something you don't have? I've learned that God wants my worth to be found in Him, not in the ability or inability to have children. I've learned that God never gave up on me (and He'll never give up on you) He is faithful!
So here it is, five years since I had to have a hysterectomy, and I have hope again. I'm about to set out on a glorious adventure with God that will fulfill my deepest desire and my biggest dream, it's my own personal miracle. God picked me up out of the pit and walked with me to the top of the mountain. Sure, I feel down along the way, but together we made it. Believe me it's not always easy, and sometimes it hurts more than words can express but I know deep down that God will always be with me. He'll always be holding me. And on the days when it hurts the worst I remind myself that God will always love me and that He adores me just for being me, and somehow that's enough. God's enough for me!
"And the One who sent me is with me. He has not deserted me" John 8:29
